Pre-birthday thinkage

16 May

Ladies and Gentlemen: I am officially young. More to that in a second.

I don’t know what it is: for 351 days a year I don’t give a toss about my birthday. I don’t even like the idea of it and every year I tell myself that this year, I will ‘just do nothing because I always get depressed when I am expected to be happy’. Then about 14 days before the event, something happens and there simply is no fuzz big enough that can be made around the fact that I am getting one year older. It even goes so far, that for a short moment, I actually expect every single person I have ever met in my life to take a holiday and come and celebrate with me. I am currently 4 days before my birthday and I am getting close to that point. Why there are still free flights to Berlin at this point in time, quite frankly, baffles me. About 5466 people should be on their way. to me. right now.

Anyway, something else: Something I realised the other day (see last blog), is that I am currently lacking confidence. Something I had tons of when I was younger… And I then also realised that when I was younger I always knew what the next step in my life would be. Knowing that gave me confidence and also knowing that it was largely up to me to get to the next level was a soothing thought. a) I knew where to go and b) I had the inner stamina to get there. So I did. From school, the next stage was uni. Then it was ‘getting a job and some experience’. Then it was ‘getting up the job ladder’. And now I am at a point where I am trying to get better at what I do, trying to add some actual quality to my work. And again, there is some confidence. But what comes next? After some thinking, I realised that it was ‘Family’. As in, the one I would actively create myself (husband and baba and home and stuff). And suddenly the confidence barometer dropped to almost below zero.  Because there is no way I can control or even influence that. It might happen or not. Not up to me, this one! Like everything else up until now. Apart from the fact that that is utter bullshit. Because…

a) To get a job and the rest requires a bunch of other people giving you that job in the first place. So, thinking I had a lot to do with my own growth etc. was not wrong in the past, but nothing was ever entirely up to me.

b) Yes, you need 2 people for a relationship (or 3 or 4…high five, Berlin!). But erm…I would actually be one of them. As in 50%. I really can’t get away with saying it has little or nothing to do with me. Odds are a question of perspective anyway and in this case also not necessarily any worse than finding a job or a nice flat. I found my Berlin flat in a second, literally. Because I knew I would. I only found out later that some people go through 84 viewings to find one!!! K-razy! For me there was simply no doubt that I would find a flat. And the other day, when the Skeptical Me wasn’t watching, I suddenly Knew (yep, capital K) that family would happen. Without question. When? No idea. It will be when it’s right. And it will be right. And that feels pretty groovy.

So, what I am saying: From experience (and first grade psychology school yard lessons) one can observe that having confidence helps a huge amount in achieving something. And that does not only go for the work side of life.

As a child I had this belief that grown-up people know stuff. That they have answers. That societies and companies are run by wise, experienced and rounded people, who had no open questions or desires; who had no battles with themselves, doubts or fears. Well, turns out that was not exactly true. And it’s good that way. People should always be construction sites. Whenever I meet a person who has all the answers, who is so set in their ways that you can not find a slither of doubt, curiosity and flexibility in them – well, I don’t really like them. In fact, I think they are utterly repulsive and they make me want to pull my own hair out.

The grown-up in me is starting to meet all people (even really old ones) on an eye-to-eye level. We all have different life stories, but I am beginning to understand human-ness. I appreciate people’s construction-sideness. There are no mysteriously wise people or stages in life anymore that I feel are completely shut off from me – like they were when I was a child. It would be assumptions and arrogant to assume that I know how everything works. But I know how some things work and more things than I had previously thought are the result of people’s conclusions, reactions, feelings, faults and anxieties – not an objective adult truth that we will all encounter one day, no code book with all the answers.

And, and now comes the heavy stuff, I can feel my own mortality. And appreciate it. I probably have another 50 years ahead of me – say the statistics. I now have 32 behind me, so I have a rough inkling of what lies ahead. I have an idea of what 50 years feel like, it has some grip. And that makes me somehow feel very safe. In the past, I gained safety from knowing that I had all the time in the world. Now, I am actually quite glad knowing that I don’t. Because that makes me do stuff. Actually, if I knew that I only had 10 more years in me, I would be much happier than knowing I had another 80 ahead of me. Because my first thought would be, that the last 30 might be pretty lonely. Whereas, if it was 10 – these would be anything but. And A LOT can happen in 10 years.

But how does that make me feel young exactly? All my life, I have always felt older than people my age, and have always come across as somewhat mature(ish). I was always drawn to what lies ahead of me (the next stage), and sometimes really struggled to let go in those careless moments of frivolous youth. And when I got to the next level, I immediately wanted to go further. But right now, that is not the case. I know what I want the next phase to be, but I am happy to wait for it and I am happy where I am right now. I am only turning 32. Suddenly that feels very young. Because I genuinely feel like being at the beginning of a new chapter. And that is exciting. Can’t remember the last time I felt like that.

P.S. Now that is funny: as always, in order to find a picture for a blog, I start by googling the blog title. And in this case, the first link was The Urban Dictionary description of pre birthday depressions….God, I hate birthdays!


One Response to “Pre-birthday thinkage”

  1. Philippa May 16, 2013 at 8:06 pm #

    Perspective Fabs – I needed some and this was perfect 😉 have a marvelous birthday lovely! X x

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