What is my topic?

16 Dec

Looking back at 2012, making lists of things that happened, things that went well, things that did not go so well – the process of closing Chapter 2012, of starting to turn the recent past into memories, of archiving, creating new To Do lists – has made me realise one thing: Everything has been very narrow and very tense in 2012. Angry and frustrated even. Although many a good thing and moment have happened, 2012 will not go down as one of my most favourite years. Not because it was actually a bad year, but it was a transitional one. And transition or change hurts. I was in a constant battle with myself. My body, my heart, my mind were fighting with each other all the time but all were constrained by straight jackets. Which meant there was no real fight that would lead to a clear end and result. There was a lot of tension – again in my body, heart and mind equally. And this tension has let to this overwhelming feeling of ‘being stuck’ all the bloody time.

After Christmas 2010 and 2011 had been anything but nice and relaxing, I had made the decision that Christmas 2012 would have to make up for it big time. And not just Christmas, but the whole Christmas time, starting 1 December. So I started baking and I bought a Christmas tree weeks ago and I made the conscious decision to chill the f*ck out in order to gain some distance, perspective and ultimately some peace and quiet. I can say that it has worked. I also used the time to confront myself with, or indulge myself in – whichever way you want to look at it – old letters and diaries. Total Nostalgia Overdose. Amazing. One of the most interesting things that sprung to my mind – apart from the fact that I can count myself a very lucky girl, for having had a very good life until now and should really be more grateful – was that I have always been the way I am now. With all the good and bad that comes with it. What I wanted from life, what my heart was saying / crying / shouting, what I was struggling with on a daily basis and where I saw my own limitations – version 1997 and version 2012 were not very different. Thinking that version 2027 might be along the same lines too is actually quite comforting. Because the one thing that has changed already, and that I am expecting to change even more, is the ability to see things for what they are, to make connections, understand things and to ultimately bring about change myself if there is a problem that I can change or at least influence. I have 15 more years of life experience under my belt now and although I still don’t know many things, I have started to understand. And I have started to look for the questions that are the relevant ones.

And this is where I am hoping 2013 will be different. My horizon this year was very much focussed around my own life and hence very narrow. This blog is the best example for that. It was all about Me, Me, Me. I wanted to understand myself, drill down into my own make-up as if I was lying on a lab table. Be the result as it may, I have lost interest in this process. Thinking about what I would like to happen in 2013, I have had a voice in my head that has shouted numerous times “Relevance”. One of the ways in which I gently forced myself to relax during the past few weeks was through watching interesting documentaries, listening to audio books, reading news paper articles more often – feeding my head with stories and information that was new, exciting and interesting. And I suddenly found myself thinking deeply about subject matters that had nothing to do with Me, Me, Me directly. And how wonderful was that?! Topics from religion through to science, society, humanity, history, philosophy, the world, complexity vs simplicity. And I realised that these topics had become much more important to me than they were 15 years ago. Because I had some first hand experience with them and because I had come to realise and understand how important they are. Much more relevant than my own little life and if anything, they would lead me to a much more insightful way of understanding my little cosmos compared to the study of the cosmos itself. Of course it is impossible to get away from one’s very own spyglass, and most things are simply in a way a reflection of one’s own interpretation of things and hence a study of one’s own way of thinking. But the process is different.

There are so many topics that are so much bigger than myself (pretty much EVERY topic that has ever been!) and I have a real hunger for exploring these further, for nurturing my mind, for learning, for making connections and for possibly understanding some of the underlying principles with some real depth. One question that that same voice has been asking me more often too is ‘What matters in life‘ and I would like to spend some time in 2013 exploring that path further more proactively. By reading, watching, listening, discussing and living more consciously. Also one thing that has been nagging me for ages and might be coming back in 2013 is the idea of writing a book. I love writing, I love learning new stuff and maybe the process of writing a book can help improve and sharpen my reflecting, understanding and reciting skills. At the moment I would not know what my topic would be just yet. And the idea in itself might remain an idea. Also, I would like to start a part time psychology course, not sure what exactly, but I have become more and more drawn to that idea and having run it past a few people, I might be onto something.

So, if we all make it past 21 December 2012 (which, after watching a series of documentaries about the end of the world today,  I can say should be possible), that is the plan for 2013. As of right now. And I am of course keeping all rights to change that with immediate effect. If Michael Fassbender or Ryan Gosling do come knocking on my door eventually, I will of course be more than happy to drop all this Thinking Sh*t and go and live happily ever after in an overpriced mansion in West Hollywood with people as void as my fridge right now.

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