Project Update: Fabienne 2012 (progress 42%, capacity 0%)

27 Nov

Although 2012 is still happening, I can feel the slow Christmas winddown and I am finding it harder and harder to resist the temptation of starting the Review, Analysis and Evaluation process. (I am also utterly knackered and have nothing left for 2012. But 2013 will start with an epic holiday and hence I Can Not Wait for 2012 to be over.) I have never holidayed mid January. This is sooo 2013.

Looking back at what happened and what can be made of it all, and then to compare it to the plan made in the previous January, is something that fills me with childish joy – not the actual outcome, but the process itself. And that realisation is making me wonder to what extent I have started to Project Manage my life. This was largely triggered by a comment made by a colleague / friend the other day when I said that I like doing Yoga whilst watching the Culture Show or the News. He laughed and went “Aw, this is so you. Do Yoga – Tick! Watch News – Tick! Save time doing both simultaneously – Gold Star!” At first I was of course offended, but the following Saturday I found myself baking, cooking, cleaning the house, going for a run and getting ready for a night out in the most clockwork-like manner. I nearly fucking high-fived myself! ENOUGH! I thought. This is faaaar too organised. I know I have a Monica Geller in me, but I so so so want to be Rachel Green with a touch of Phoebe Buffay (stop pretending that you don’t get the reference, we have ALL seen Friends!). I have no problem with being appreciated for being reliable and organised in general – but when there is no more room at all for carelessness or when a weekend can not be enjoyed anymore because there is too much free time, we have a problem ladies and gentlemen. The parents here will stare at the screen in disbelief and I can hear you all shout “Stop whinging – I  would give my second born for a free weekend!”. And I see your point. But 2012 has been overwhelming from Day 1 – new country, new job, new everything – I had to structure things in order to keep my head above water. At some point, I actually wanted to buy a flip chart for my living room and have a hidden stash of post-ads next to the bath tub to always catch new things for my mental To Dos and to never ever forget anything. But when I actually could take a break and relax into a moment of ‘no plans at all’-ness, I could not do it anymore. I had become so tense and stressed that any pause actually started to hurt and freak me out. So I filled that gap with even more plans and To Do Lists. I mean, there is always something you can do, right?!

So, slowly starting the reviewing phase, and I have only had a sneak preview into my Self-Retrospective of 2012, I know that of the things I could foresee and plan in January 2012, I have achieved some things, but I have mostly underachieved. Because life isn’t the sum of all things you can plan. I will go into greater detail in my actual 2012 Analysis (Coming Up Here in Just  Few Weeks!) but life has been totally out of balance and hence I have been totally pushed away from my own center – and all because I have become too stressed and tense. Because I did not pull my own trigger and let some air in. Because I could not let go and be easy on myself. I became frustrated by not Doing what I wanted to be doing (ticking ALL the boxes), so I desperately tried to add more and more Thinking to the mix. Super that. As if thinking has ever helped anybody with anything?!

Ironically I remember a few conversations this year where I gave people clever advise about taking a break. Where it was all too obvious that they were overdoing things. Being able to see that for myself. Nope….

I had no idea how damaging it can be to constantly be switched to ON. Sleepless nights, sleepy days, worries, frustrations, panic. And what for? I have learned a lot this year and my plans for the future are certainly not the same as they were 12 months ago – but I have learned the hard way. The Fab Way. The Fab Being In Her Head More Often Than She Needs To Be Way. There are only so many things you can plan and organise. And there are only so many plans that actually lead to results and solutions. And that’s what it’s all about. I mean, seriously, do you want to be part of the problem or part of the solution?! I mean seriously…. (I need to write this down. Where are those damn post-ads?!)

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