Fabienne wants to relax please

5 Apr

And….it’s April. I have officially crossed the 3-month mark of being in Germany and have so far resisted all temptations of booking a return flight to Newcastle – even when coming home a teeny bit tipsy or after a shit day.

Although I can not be sure, I would say that I have mostly arrived now. The download bar still has some percentages left but it’s a single digit I think. After all, I am the proud owner of a bicycle now which in Berlin means more than a passport, especially now that summer is on its way. And I have not randomly started a conversation in English with a shop owner or the postman in almost 2 weeks.  High fives all around.

Actually, it’s almost to the day 12 months ago that certain conversations started taking place that would eventually lead me to Berlin. At the time, I was a bit nonchalant about it all and I was so pleased with my newly acquired Status Quo, but curiosity got the better of me and has taken me on a quite a ride since then.

But what I can’t seem to shake is a certain nervousness. I constantly have the feeling that something bad is about to happen. It’s a bit like ‘The Fear’ when you wake up after a heavy night out with too much vino. Or when you can’t find your phone. And I don’t really know why. The new job is pretty full-on and demanding so I can attribute a good 34% to that. It’s all pretty good in the hood though, so the rest leaves me a bit clueless. After a very hectic 6 months, all I want is to sit down, breathe out and relax and do what I occasionally did exceptionally well last year – absolutely nothing. Or read a book. But as soon as I close my eyes, this weird energy starts chasing around my body and mind. Which I have not yet managed to harness and transform into ‘doing exercise’ unfortunately. And which is also why is has taken me about 4 hours to write this post as I have constantly been checking about 57 other browser tabs. And this really pisses me off. I am normally a well organised person who can tackle a big work load. But with my current normal stress level being already at 67.7% when I wake up, it only takes 2 unexpected emails to tip me over the edge. About 6 weeks ago, en route to New York, I actually got to a point where the barrel spilled over – at the time, I actually thought I was having a melt-down. In retrospect, I would call it ‘exploring and breaking through new barriers’.

On the plus side, this mad energy has also created some momentum in my personal life. You will find no revealing details here, but most friends who have subscribed to my weekly Gossip Bulletin Emails, have recently taken to responding in capital letters and with a lot of exclamation marks!!!! And maybe, who knows, once the dust has settled and/or I am happily married with two children, I might spill the beans!!

But seriously, I am in need of some badass chilling out. Any tips, or impromptu invitations to a weekend away will be much appreciated. And yes, I have heard of certain recreational drugs, red wine, hot baths and BBC Radio4… Chilling out can’t be that stressful!


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