This is why I will remain single

15 Jan

I’ve been single for a year now. As mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been totally fine with it, in fact I’ve been loving it. Being able to make MY decisions, in trivial (Chinese or Curry tonight) or serious (moving to Dubai or Berlin) matters has been tremendously liberating. But the novelty factor is starting to wear off and although I am what can be described as ‘cracking company’, I am also starting to get a teeny weeny bit sick of myself.

But this is where it becomes tricky. I’ve never been a “Let’s go shopping for a boyfriend” person – they have always just sort of fallen into my life. Looking around me now, I find that ‘the good ones’ are in relationships and very often have kids and the ones who are single are, well, single for a reason (no offence). Not saying they’re all total shipwrecks, but some have made it clear that they’d rather stay single even when presented with an alternative option. So there.

The idea of ‘Dating’ gives me the creeps. I don’t date. The one time I went for a ‘Fake Date’ on Valentine’s Day when I was living in the US, I actually ended up going out with the guy (Guy 1) for 8 months which was a total disaster, because the reason I went on said date was to make somebody else (Guy 2) jealous and as it turned out months later, there might have been a chance that Guy 2 would have asked me out if I hadn’t already had the great idea of going out with Guy 1. So my track record is a bit shit really.

But at least when you’re dating you know that the other party is technically available. Which is already a huge advantage. Figuring out if somebody is single or not can be a massive (and at times highly ridiculous) undertaking. I recently found myself talking to a rather good looking chap (in a business context nonetheless) and noticed he was wearing a ring. I could hardly ask whether it was something passed down from his granddad, just an accessory or a wedding ring. So while we were talking, I secretly googled “Wedding Ring – left or right hand?” and found out that ‘Depending on the local culture, it is worn on the left or right finger‘. WHAT? Seriously? Realising what I had just done made me blush like a teenage girl and I ACTUALLY had to excuse myself for 2 minutes to laugh it out in the toilet. I am just expecting that EVERYBODY is married these days, at least there are no nasty surprises then.

Although I am somewhat suspicious about the concept of Dating, there is still a slither of a chance I might end up in a ‘First Date’. And that’s where it gets tricky again, because I genuinely believe first dates should follow a structure, not too dissimilar from negotiating a mobile phone contract. Relationships usually stumble over the most obvious, banal and totally predictable hurdles and by a cleverly constructed set of questions, one should be able to spot a ‘Potential Disaster Waiting To Happen’. See, I am 30 now. I don’t have the patience to faff around with somebody for weeks and months and then realise that he is into S&M or veganism (both equally strange concepts for me) which I could have found out right at the start. I genuinely believe that without the normal twizzleness of Dating Behaviour (Flirting, Small Talk, Eyelash batting, Ironed Shirts etc.), within 1 hour, you can get a true sense of the other person and you can start negotiating ‘The Contract’.

So here goes my ROETAWAEIETP Concept, or Rules Of Engagement To Assess Whether An Engagement Is Even Theoretically Possible (this will also explain the title of this post):

Before the actual date, he has spoken to her best friend (male or female) to talk about her best and worst bits. She, on the other hand, will have spoken to his ex-girlfriend (and ladies, we all know what questions we would ask). Results can of course already result in there never being a First Date.

But if there is one, it should take place in a public space.

Arrival should be a fair representation of normal behaviour. As in, she will probably be early and he will probably be late, or whichever is correct. At this point, both can already discuss the best way to address time issues (i.e. will she just have to deal with it or should he secretly reset her watch one day etc.).

Small talk should be avoided by all means, but the following topics MUST be covered by both parties:

– The Parents: How can she win over his mum and make her like her more than the favourite ex-girlfriend from when he was 17. How can he convince her dad that he is not a swine.

– Family Birthdays: As it will be her who will remember to send cards and buy presents, methods for repayment should be organised at this point as he will forget otherwise.

– Household chores: How little will he actually do and which album is he allowed to listen to when she goes on about it too much.

– The Ex Factor: Summary of relevant Love Life to date. Levels of ‘Still in love-ness’ and can be presented by way of illustration. Also important to split into ‘Dumper or Dumpee’ categories with notes on who is likely to make an appearance again.

– Sex: the ‘Signals’, preferred time, how often, gimmicks (blowjobs etc.), the Sex Face (Photographic evidence can be provided for amusement), Fake vs Real orgasm behaviour, cold feet.

– Morning Face: Photographic evidence MUST be provided

– Kissing: A trial 3 second ‘Quick peck’ can be carried out. Tongues should be avoided in order not to raise expectations.

– Beauty / Hygiene: When will she stop waxing, how hairy is his back, what to do with her moustache and when will he start relying on her for buying deodorant. Dates can be put in calendars at this point.

At this point there should be a toilet break. And of course this can also used as a Halfway Assessment Point, where each party should be allowed to leave.

– Alcohol: Usual patterns of behaviour. Does she become emotional, teary, argumentative and does he take off his shirt whilst playing air guitar?

– Money: Joint account discussion. Indicative budget allocations for porn and facials.

– His Car: Can she touch it.

– Social Media: What to expect when checking the other person’s phone or Facebook account.

– Food: How bad is her cooking (Samples can be provided). Does he think he makes the World’s Best Lasagne or Spagbol.

– Any other business.

Results should be grouped into ‘Totally Fine’, ‘Needs negotiating’ and ‘No Go’ categories and must be shared now.

If both agree to continue with the proceedings, they should now be consulting the friends who have been watching from the corner. Behaviour during toilet break can be discussed, i.e. Did he check out the lady at the bar, did she check his phone for tits pics. Friends should provide them with Probable Relationship Success Rates Based Upon First Impression.

Future Plans: Both should decode their follow-up text lingo i.e. ‘We should get together again’ actually means ‘Ha, NO!’, ‘That was nice’ actually means “Being FuckBuddies is an option’, ‘When can I see you again?’ actually means ‘I want to marry you’ etc. Timescales should also be discussed to avoid confusion and disappointment.

Telephone numbers should be given out if clarification on any of the topics needs to be sought. She should be allowed to call one of his buddies on matters regarding fidelity, computer games and alcohol lingo (does ‘Just one more pint‘ mean 3 or 17). He should be allowed to talk to ex-boyfriends on matters regarding Inexplicable and Irrational Girlfriend Behaviour in general.

Of course, if things look promising right there and then, it might be advisable to get the first night of Excessive Alcohol Consumption, Karaoke and Sex out of the way asap, so maybe the whole day should be kept free, just in case.

Ridiculous, you say? Compared to letting yourself into a potentially life-long arrangement based upon a great snog after 7 pints, I think this is a total plausible concept. But then I also think that having babies with somebody you’re in love with is utter madness.

What was the title of this post again? Oh yeah…….bingo.

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2 Responses to “This is why I will remain single”

  1. De Teufel January 15, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    Hilarious!! You sound very English. Hope your German genes can handle the conversion 😛

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