Found in translation

8 Sep

Silence can sometimes be a bit scary and make you paranoid – when it’s almost impossible to relax into what appears to be nothing as it only accentuates the nervousness and the noise that’s inside. But at other times, floating is the only way to be. Letting go, drifting off, with your eyes closed and your ears under water so you are totally in your own head with your own thoughts. No noise, just peaceful silence and calm.

After a somewhat restless and loud period, I seem to have arrived at a very tranquil place. For a few weeks I was wrestling with myself on a daily basis, battling through tons of questions that I couldn’t answer, getting frustrated with meaningless tasks and life as a whole, unable to concentrate, starting to despise everything around me and not feeling well in my own skin. (Turns out kettle-bell training is a very effective way of releasing your inner witchbitch). And by dragging myself through a series of dreadful Rom-Coms, I even added an element of torture to this picture of hopelessness that couldn’t have been more pathetic. Dear oh dear. This has now come to an end. After much consideration I have decided that as much as I adore Paul Rudd’s cute little face, he shall not make an appearance in my life for a while. Instead I am now reading and listening to clever podcasts whenever I can. And I am doing a lot of thinking, the sort of thinking that feels deep in the sense that I can’t sometimes put my finger on what I am thinking about as it seems hidden in my own head but I can still feel the machinery working. I think I am generally just sorting stuff out, things are shifting and there is less irritating noise than there was before. And that feels nice.

And because of all this finking and that, my head has recently been very full, which is why I have not written for a while. With full I mean very close to 97% and I think I need about 17-19% space for processing and writing. So whenever I started on something, I got as far as the third sentence and then something else came in the way and I had no space left to think about what I had wanted to write about in the first place. So yes. I’m officially excused.

And then came a short trip home to Germany that sent me even further into my own head. During that trip, something happened: I felt a sense of being grounded that I had not felt in years. For the first time since godknowswhen, I allowed my brain (or my brain allowed me) to really sink back into thinking in German again and for a few days, my head was working 100% in German and my life in England disappeared into the background. A very strange sensation. Suddenly everything Anglais seemed so far away as if it wasn’t actually real. People, places, porridge – very, very far away. I have often wondered to what extent language and the availability or lack of certain words and phrases determines our thoughts so I literally spent hours during the flight back having conversations with my own brain to check whether I was thinking the same way about things in both languages as I was suddenly able to tap into both languages at the same time (normally it’s either or). And I found out that there were some discrepancies. I am still trying to work them out so I won’t go into detail now, but I found out that there are a a few things in my life right now that trigger completely different emotional responses depending on which language I approach them with. But the second I landed in Heathrow, everything got switched back to UK mode again and now Germany seems closer to Narnia than England.

To add to the current mental overhaul, I have decided to undergo a 4 week Detox programme as of today which basically means fruit and veg for a month. And nuts. No alcohol, no sugar, no meat, no dairy –  not even rice! Bizarrely I am really looking forward to it although I already know that I will go bananas from the sugar deprivation and that I might become the most anti-social person in the world. (Note to friends: although I am only allowed water and herbal tea, I am still absolutely wicked company! Yeah right…) But it feels like the right time to do this and I am curious to get stuck into something new and different. So for the next few weeks I’ll be counting almonds, dreaming of cake (and Don Draper) and getting high off mint tea. Super Duper!


2 Responses to “Found in translation”

  1. Caroline September 12, 2011 at 10:16 am #

    Good luck with the detox love – it WILL be worth it! xx

    • fabienneriener September 12, 2011 at 10:22 am #

      I am loving it – you’re right, the amount of energy I suddenly have is bizarre! x

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