Don’t even get me started

21 Jul

Through the ups and down of the past few months, I have come to realise that mood is an interesting force. I can turn from a very happy Larry to a moody and miserable cow in a split second (and yes, I’ll have you know, there is ALWAYS a valid reason) and whatever mood I am in usually has an impact on what happens around me. (Question: Do good things stop happening because you are in a bad mood or are you in a bad mood because good things have stopped happening? Chicken? Egg? Anyway, move on. )

One emotion that hardly ever registers with me is anger. I can get temporarily flustered and swear like a drunken sailor, but my temper doesn’t really flare for any length of time and I never really shout and only sometimes want to actually punch somebody in the face. Hold on, I hear some of you say, I have seen your face before and you were scaring the living gajeebers out of me – but may I remind you, I am German and I was probably having a great time or was even flirting with you. So don’t ever take my face as a barometer of how I am feeling. I also hate confrontation and arguments and usually rather assume the ‘sorry, sorry, make it stop’ position than say ‘hold on, idiot, you are way out of line’. Overall my disposition is probably a good thing as angry people are not very nice to be around, but anger also releases bad energy and having a good old fiery rant can be a much more efficient short cut to sanity than week-long misery. I do get angry, but usually when it’s too late (like 6 months later) and when it’s a bit pointless.

I have recently been very frustrated with some people (including myself) and I can’t seem to shed the general feeling of bleurgh. So I have decided to turn this blog into a massive rant about some random things that really really wind me up in order to let off some steam that I have built up. None of these are in any way related to the things that are actually frustrating me, but an exercise in releasing my inner devil. I could also just go for a run to let said steam off, but really can’t be bothered. So here it goes, enjoy:

1) People crossing the street without looking. Or looking and then jolting onto the street anyway, despite the massive bus on the left and the taxi on the right! What’s that all about? Do you all believe you’re f’*cking Jesus and that there really is a reason for the universe to save you?! Traffic lights are not ‘a nice little suggestion’, they actually mean something!

2) People who always go on and on and on about stopping smoking. I have never been addicted to nicotine so don’t really know what it’s like, but if quitting is not happening, either enjoy the cigarette you shouldn’t be smoking or keep the non-enjoyment to yourself. It really is boring. Same goes for losing weight.

3) Customer Service phone numbers where you never actually talk to a person. The chance that that is going to solve the problem or make me feel any better is very very slim, so damn all companies who try and make customers feel like they’ve made the mistake and who haven’t got the guts to face the f*ck ups they’ve caused. (Yes KLM you’re still top of my list)

4) Bus Drivers (when you are in a city you don’t know). There is never a map and buses don’t automatically tell you which stop is coming up, so the only thing you can do is ask the bus driver politely to let you know when stop x is coming up. And then you get a “Erm, maybe, if you’re lucky and I don’t forget”. How else am I supposed to know when to get off you muppet? I am not bloody psychic and it’s your job to drive people around!

5) VAT. What really is the point of VAT? We all know that it’s the government who ends up with the money, so just add it onto all the other taxes we have to pay rather than turning it into a stupid ‘pass the parcel’ game. And calling it ‘Value Added Tax’?! The cheek…. no value has ever been added through a random surcharge.

6) Kirsten Dunst, Mischa Barton and Keira Knightly. They make me want to pull my hair out. And theirs.

7) People who constantly interrupt others. It’s patronising and rude and in most cases totally unnecessary. Even worse is interrupting and finishing somebody’s sentence. Not big, not cool.

8) The fact that home appliances tend to break all at the same time. I stopped believing in my toys talking to each other when I was about 7, but I am still not so sure about my kettle and the fridge. The way they look at each other sometimes… (By the way, I have no idea why the number 8 and half a bracket makes a smiley or how to make it stop)

9) ‘I am from London, you know, London?’ I do know London in fact thankyouverymuch. It’s a really nice big city and it’s full of kn*brockets full of themselves who can’t get enough of LONDON and who can’t possible speak any slower than 100 words per second and who always sound incredibly pi**ed off with the world that is not LONDON. [I don’t know why I am still using stupid symbols to ‘disguise’ the words I have every intention of using?! Nobody who reads this will be under 18 and if anybody is offended by my language, TOUGH SHIT! There, I said it and spelt it. Don’t hate me.]

10) ‘Yes, but….’ That means NO. You don’t have to say it like that (says me, the ever so tactile German), but don’t pretend you’re agreeing with something and then say the complete opposite. Say it like it is. You don’t have to be rude about it, but I have never quite understood the concept of cushioning something up. It’s bloody obvious and it takes time away from important things. Like making me a cup of tea.

So, that’s it for now. Thank you for bearing with me. I could go on now (people who take 7 days to respond to a text message or who randomly decide to stop getting in touch altogether, people who leave knives in sinks, the weather, the fact that I can’t vote for general elections in the UK or in Germany, most pop bands, fashion….) but I shall not.

Uh, by the way. Cecil (my piano) and I are getting on great. Half way through both Adele albums now and I am in talks with Jay Z. He might want to bring the tour forward a little. Foshizzle.

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