I am back (baby)

5 Jul

As the title might suggest, I’ve had somewhat of a comeback. I must confess that when I wrote the last blog, I really hadn’t come out of that negative phase at all, but was probably hoping that by writing about it, I could get myself out of it. Well it didn’t work. But the good news is, that I got out myself out of it in the end. And it happened on 30 June at about 1pm.

What I called ‘The Space in Between’, was basically a bad spell. After a very exciting and sickeningly positive period, a few things started to run away with me and a few other things really got to me and started to shake things up in a bad way which got me in a state of sadness and paralysis. I was totally in my own bubble. Not being able to see things in a positive light was incredibly frustrating as I really thought that all this good stuff that had happened before was for nothing. And this cloud suddenly cast a shadow over things that were perfectly fine before. Good things probably still happened, but I couldn’t see them as I was literally walking through town with my head down, waiting for the next disaster to happen. Work got really annoying, I constantly missed busses by seconds, my phone and my bike got stolen (I kid you not), an old friend died and my skin got really bad. Not exactly party time. And even my little escape to Malaga didn’t really solve anything – because it was an escape. For 3 days I decided not to think about anything, which worked while I was there, but the second I was back home, I was in tears as nothing had actually improved. And I was terribly sunburnt.

On 30 June, around 12.30pm, one particular situation had gotten so bad that I could not take any more. I was in agony, but suddenly I looked in the mirror and went ‘What the heck is going on and why am I tolerating a situation that’s making me feel like sh*t?!’. And then I decided to walk away from it.  And the second I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief and weight off my shoulders. Although it had been right in my face for a long time, I had not seen what this situation had done to me and how much damage it had caused. And being able to identify it and remove it like a splinter was incredibly liberating and empowering. By 1pm, when I had figured out what to do, I had my smile back, my shoulders were straight again, my head was clear and I felt like being in the driver’s seat again. And it’s been like that ever since. I can safely say that I am mentally and emotionally back to ‘normal’ (whatever that means right now), and I’ve had a great number of laughs and wonderful conversations with people that got me right back on track.

Today’s Common Purpose session was centered around a number of leadership questions, one of them being: ‘Who do you want to be and Who do you need to be’ and one of the things that stood out as a requirement in order to answer this question properly was a ‘strong sense of self’. I guess what I had been missing over those weeks was exactly that. Those few things that got under my skin really skewed my own self-awareness and self-esteem and made me question my strengths and abilities. What happened was very personal and hence very important, but I am still baffled as to how much of an impact it had when my head, my heart and my gut stopped talking to me. All this time I thought they were on my side! Well, quite frankly they were probably talking, but I wasn’t listening.

“You can’t control what life throws at you – but you can have control over how you deal with what life throws at you”. I didn’t deal with this one particularly well. But I managed to identify what was wrong and then do something about it. And the way that made me feel will hopefully remind me to start looking for the bad apple a bit quicker next time.

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